The Wacky World of Remus Lupin
by Purdy-Stars
Summary: Just a collection of stories starring our favorite werewolf.
1. Beware Devil Pastries

  


Disclaimer - Yes, sadly it all belongs to JK. I do not own Remus Lupin, Severus Snape, or any other familiar character you may see. 

  


A/N - This is my first attempt at Fanfiction and frankly, I don't think its that good. But I figured I'd post it anyways and seewhat people think of my twisted humor. But no flames, please.

  


Rating - PG-13 for occasional mild cursing. It's not really that bad but just to be safe.

  


Summary - There is no plot (at least not that I see). It's just a collection of zany stories about our favorite werewolf. If it sucks, at least they're short. Those with a wacked sense of humor are welcome. 

  


Without further ado

  


The Wacky World of Remus Lupin

  
  


Remus Lupin and the Breakfast Fiasco

  


"Morning all," Remus Lupin walked into the Great Hall on a bright Monday morning. The birds were chirping, the sun was shining, various other creatures were doing various things. Anyway, he found his seat at the Head Table between Professor McGonagall and Professor Snape. 

  


He looked down at the gold plate in front of him. Breakfast seemed to be a lone blueberry pastry. It looked quite delicious. It reminded him of an apple Danish he had once known. But that was a different story. 

  


Remus picked up his blueberry pastry (whom he had named Tracy) and brought it to his mouth when he heard a small voice.

  


"Help me!"

  


He slowly lower the pastry and looked at it. He saw two small googly eyes, a nose made of felt, and a round construction paper mouth.

  


"Help me!"

  


Remus heard the voice again. He must be going crazy. This reminded him of the time Sirius had spiked his pumpkin juice and he thought he was a tea pot for the night. But that's another story. The little mouth of the pastry, I mean the construction paper, hadn't moved.

  


"Help me!"

  


Remus looked around. Could anybody else hear this? But no, everyone was unaware of this voice and were enjoying their breakfast.

  


"HELP ME YOU ASSHOLE!"

  


This was too much. He was being insulted by a tasty pastry! Remus jumped up and yelled a string of curse words that sounded very much like a drunk Hagrid. He threw the pastry to the ground and ran out of the hall screaming like a little girl with a skinned knee, "Beware of devil pastries!"

  


Severus Snape turned to the tiny man next to him. No, it was not an oompa loompa; it was Professor Flitwik. 

  


"Told you he'd scream. He ran outta here like his ass was on fire. You owe me five galleons."

  
  


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A/N - Well, there it is. If you want more leave a review. If you have any constructive criticism or helpful advise to make it better I'd appreciate it. 

  


TOODLES!

  
  
  
  



	2. The Fangirls from Hell

  


Disclaimer - And we all bow down to the mighty JK Rowling. 

  


A/N - I have reviews! You have no idea how happy that makes a geeky girl like me. I was convinced that chapter sucked. 

  
  


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The Wacky World of Remus Lupin:

  


Remus Lupin and the Fangirls from Hell (or a bad production of Bye Bye Birdie – you make the call)

  
  


It was a leisurely Saturday afternoon that found Remus Lupin sitting in his office grading papers. He threw down his quill and leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes. Then, he heard a sound coming through his open window.

  


Remus stood up with a sigh and walked to the window where a most horrible sight met his eyes. No, not Snape in a Speedo, besides I said horrible not deadly. Anyway, there, on the front lawn was a group of scantily dressed girls singing.

  


'We love you Remus

Oh, yes we do

We love you Remus

And we'll be true

When your not near us

Were Blue

Oh Remus, We love you!'

  


Remus covered his eyes. The terror! Oh the pure terror! They were messing with his mind. This reminded him of that memorable staff Christmas party where Snape had gotten drunk and dressed up like a .....Oh that's a different story. He quickly gathered anything he could spare and started chucking it at the Fangirls from Hell.

  


"But Remus," one girl yelled, "we love OW!" She was hit with a blueberry pastry (whom was incidently named Tracy- sensing a pattern anyone?) The Fangirls scattered.

  


"We will be back! They screamed to him. Remus slammed the window shut and sat back down at his desk. He had to write a letter....

  


_Dear Legolas,_

  


_I'm so sorry for those comments about the fangirls. They really are Hell! You'll never believe what just happened......._

  
  


************

  


A/N - Well, there it is; part two. Hope you like. And sorry, I just couldn't resist putting Legolas in there.

  


TOODLES!

  
  
  



	3. The James Bond Theme Song and a Vampire

  


Disclaimer - If I owned Harry Potter, would I be here writing this for no money? 

  
  


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The Wacky World of Remus Lupin

  


Remus Lupin meets a 'Vampire'

  
  


Remus Lupin was walking down the second floor corridor when he saw a most horrible sight. I mean it could blind you. It could make you piss your pants in fear.

  


"Hello Severus."

  


"Lupin" 

  


Now back to that vampire.

  


Remus kept walking, humming the James Bond theme song as he went. He often imagined himself as James Bond. Anyway, it was then, just as he got to the second chorus, that he saw it.

  


"Oh my! It's a vampire!"

  


The 'vampire' had curly black hair ('definitely a wig,' thought Remus) and a white face with black face paint in a really cool design. This reminded him of that time......well actually it didn't remind him of anything in particular.

  


The 'vampire' turned to face him, looking very hurt and slightly disappointed. 

  


'No, it's Gene Simmons,"

  


Remus stared at him.

  


"You know. Gene Simmons from Kiss,"

  


Remus stared blankly. (Insert cricket chirps here)

  


Gene Simmons gave a sigh and stuck out his tongue. Remus's eyes widened and he pulled a ruler from god only knows where. 

  


"Holy shit!" he said while measuring, "that must be a foot long!" Gene gave sad little smile.

  


"Oh ya baby."

  


And so, Remus never really met a vampire. He passed Snape's classroom on the way back to his own. As he watched Severus sucking the blood of a student who had obviously forgotten his homework, he felt a little bad for thinking him to be scary.

  


Today Remus learned not to jump to conclusions. Boy this reminded him of that time.....damn! Still nothing.

  
  


*********

  


A/N - Hope you enjoyed!

  


TOODLES

  
  



	4. Too Many Wires

  


Disclaimer - Nothings mine

  


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The Wacky World of Remus Lupin

  


Remus Lupin and Too Many Wires

  
  


It was on a blustery Saturday morning that Remus Lupin decided to hook up the new stereo system he had gotten for Christmas. He sat on the floor of his office reading the instructions.

  


'This should be set up in no time,' he thought. He couldn't wait to play his new Kiss cd that Gene had given him. 

  


After about twenty minutes ha realized he was trying to read the Spanish directions. He turned to the English side, already more than frustrated. This kind of reminded him of the time Sirius had bewitched all his books to swear at him whenever he opened them, but that's a different story.

  


Remus looked down at the instructions:

  


1) Open the box

2) Take out stereo and all attachments

3) Assemble

4) Enjoy your stereo!

  


"Helpful," Remus muttered. But how hard could it really be?

  


***One hour later***

  


"WIRES!" Remus ran down the corridor, screaming. 

  


"Wires! Too many goddamn wires! Blue goes with green, red goes with yellow, white goes with purple. Too many wires!" He then proceeded to scream the same in Spanish.

  


He passed Snape who had the rare decency to knock him unconscious with a cardboard cutout of Edward Scissorhands.

  


"We really should have him medicated you know."

  
  


********* 

  


A/N - I don't know where this came from but there it is. Enjoy.

  


TOODLES


	5. The Return of the Devil Pastries

  


Disclaimer - Alright, you all know that I don't own anything from Harry Potter so I'm not even going to put this in here anymore.

  
  


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The Wacky World of Remus Lupin

  


Remus Lupin and the Return of the Devil Pastries

  
  


Remus Lupin was walking along the road in Hogsmeade when he came across a pastry shop. He shuddered, but he was craving a chocolate eclair so he went in anyway.

  


He told the woman behind the counter what he wanted and she went in back to get it. Remus looked about. Boy this reminded him of the time James had injected laxatives into the Slytherin's breakfast. Now that was funny, but it's also a different story.

  


The woman came back out and handed Remus his eclair. He paid, and stepped out into the bright sunshine.

  


As he came out of the shop he looked down at the eclair in his hand and cried out in horror. There were two googly eyes, a nose made of felt, and a round construction paper mouth. And then Remus heard the voice that haunted his dreams.

  


"Round two baby! Can you take the heat?! I pity the Fool!"

  


Several minutes of kicking, screaming, and cream filling later, Remus was covered in chocolate syrup and had cream filling in his shoes, his pockets, and various other places. 

  


So he ran as fast as he could run away from that chocolate eclair. He passed Snape who knocked him unconscious with a rack of lamb.

  


"Seriously, have him medicated."

  


And to this day Remus has not touched a pastry. Of course, this whole incident happened yesterday, so it's kinda hard to tell.

  
  


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	6. The Bald Guy

  
  


The Wacky World of Remus Lupin

  


Remus Lupin in the Matrix

  


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Remus Lupin was spending a quiet Saturday morning in his office. All of a sudden, a bald guy wearing shiny leather pants fell out of his ceiling.

  


"Holy Shit!"

  


The guy jumped up and grabbed Remus's arm.

  


"Come, Neil, you are the One," he said.

  


"What the hell are you talking about? My name is Remus."

  


"Just come with me and I'll show you your destiny."

  


Remus shrugged and followed the bald guy up to the owlery. This kinda reminded him of that party when McGonnagal got drunk and dressed up in a leather dominatrix outfit, complete with a whip. Remus cringed at the memory, but that's a different story.

  


The bald guy lifted up a brown owl and said, "Beam me up, Captain," And then they weren't in Hogwarts anymore. They were in a white room with racks and racks of wands blowing past. Just as suddenly as it started, it stopped and there were two armchairs in the room.

  


"Neil," said the bald guy, " you live in a world of the Matrix, and..." Remus cut him off.

  


"What the hell. I saw this movie . And my name is Remus." The bald guy ignored him and carried on.

  


"Take the blue pill and go back to your ignorant life. Take the red pill and see how deep the rabbit hole goes."

  


"Alright, I'll be taking that blue pill." The bald guy looked worried.

  


"But, Neil, you're the One," Remus popped the pill in his mouth.

  


"Oh shut AHHHHHH,"

  


Remus landed on the floor of Hogwarts with a loud thump. Snape, of course, was standing over him.

  


"Seriously, I'll even pay for the appointment,"

  
  


************


End file.
